This blog and what we call C*Fit in general has a very powerful yet simple message, which is, “Do Things that Make You Feel Good”. So as you read this post, realize that what I am saying, although is very personal to me, is also very connected to this message. It’s all connected. Like all of my blog posts, I hope to have you connect with yourself more, walk away from reading it ready to take on the world, feeling inspired, and hopefully, it lights a little fire inside you.
As most of you know, I am on a journey to creating and living a life of health and happiness, with the ultimate goal of inspiring others to do the same. The irony of this journey is that there are a lot of ebbs and flows, highs and lows, sadness, friction, and an immense amount of internal work involved in this quest. The thing about happiness is that it is not guaranteed. It is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. Therefore, it takes work every single day.
Over the past 6 months, I have been spending much more time alone–walking, meditating, writing, or just simply doing me. Some people in my life get a little concerned, like I’m becoming a loner or something. No worries guys, I’m not. This quest takes time and work that I am willing and ready to do. It’s my journey and I’m going to do it the way I want. Over the past 6 months, I have been taking hour long walks (almost daily) just wandering around the streets listening to music. Literally wandering around. Sometimes crying. Sometimes skipping and laughing to myself. Sometimes missing people. Sometimes dancing in the middle of the streets. And sometimes, these walks are filled with pure joy and the feeling of freedom. I choose to walk because my thoughts move through me while I am moving my body. That’s just how it is for me. My mind is stagnant when I am stagnant. So, I move. I think. I listen to my thoughts. I work through my feelings. I feel emotions. I grow. I return back to my apartment.
I do this as much as I feel I need. It has helped me to come to terms with a lot of things/events/conversations/relationships/friendships/experiences that have made a presence in my life. I do this instead of emotional eating, or restricting myself, or using exercise/my body as a punching bag, or taking it out on my loved ones, or drinking alcohol, or just trying to find someone or something to take up my time….to distract me. The previous Caitlin, 6 months ago, used to do ALL of these things. Every single one of them. I’ve come face to face with old behaviors of mine this week.
Recently, there have been a few experiences that have left a pretty yucky taste in my mouth. I am not here to air out my dirty laundry, so I am not going to specifically tell you what they are, however, I want you to know that my happy life still has unhappiness in it. But that’s the truth, that’s the truth about happiness, it’s not perfect.
This week especially, I had a few demons come back into my life. The devil on my shoulder said, “Go out, get wasted, and you’ll forget about these yucky events”, “Ice cream will make you happy-go eat some”, and “Bring this person back in your life because that will distract you”. The angel on my shoulder said, “Maybe you should just reach out to those people who have hurt you and try to make nice with them”, “Sometimes you can be a little emotional, maybe you over reacted a bit, say sorry and mend things”, and “Don’t cry or be upset, just be happy and don’t let anything affect you”. It’s been a while since the angel and devil have made their presence heard. Man, it was tough.
I’ve decided that I am done chasing after the wrong things. There is no room for negativity in my life anymore. I am committed to being free of the things and people that no longer serve me.
Finding your own voice within in the noise is SO important. Happiness is about shutting up the angel AND the devil; Those voices in your head that tell you how to feel and what to do…neither one is really in your best interest. One just tries to make everything perfect. The other wants you to act in self-sabotaging behaviors.
I told both to get lost last night.
I’m taking this Sunday to reconnect with my voice. I challenge you to do the same. Find your voice within all of the noise. Be honest with yourself. Get real. Live your truth. It doesn’t matter if anyone else on the Earth is agrees with you, or backs your decisions, or understands how you think or feel. No one needs to validate you, but YOU.
I am taking everything I’ve learned over the past few weeks and the past 6 months and I am going to continue to “turn my wounds into wisdom”.
Always, always, always, “Do Things that Make You Feel Good”.
Everything else will fall into place. Trust this.