Choose Love instead of Fear

Hey all! Wow it’s been so long since I’ve blogged…so much has happened since the last blog post! Some of you may have been wondering where the heck has Caitlin been? I will explain everything in the longest blog post ever.

Here’s what I’ve been up to!

-The C*Fit Fall into Fitness Program began and is now heading into it’s 3rd week!! That program took me about 6 months to fully develop. It’s a program that begins with 6 weeks but honestly never ends! The idea of committing to a healthy lifestyle can be daunting and scary for some of you. I’m here to say that it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s all in your perception. You can always purchase the program by going to the C*Fit Store.

-I’ve started a new job! The same day The Fall into Fitness Program began! Talk about new beginnings and change! I am now a Clinical Dietitian in a Long-Term Care facility…and I’m really enjoying it. (Yes, I am working with “old people” in a nursing home).

-I started reading a life changing book called “Spirit Junkie”…read on if you are interested in hearing more about the book and what I’ve taken away from it so far.

-I went through a life altering anxiety attack. Which brings me to what I’m about to write…

If you are at all interested in the happenings of my week, please read on. If not, no worries, X out of this site and life will be good. No hard feelings. However, there are many great lessons that I learned from what happened. There are so many positives to this occurrence I will share them with you. I believe in honesty within myself and with others, and this is my way of being honest with any followers, friends, and C*Fit family members that read this blog.

And so it begins…
I’m the kind of person who likes to say “yes” to everyone and everything. Yes. Yes. Yes. I like to think I’m superwoman…no task is unachievable, no goal is too big to accomplish, and there’s always a way for me to fit everything into 24 hours. My day is usually as follows: Get up at 5am, workout at the gym, shower, go to work, rush home to get ready to teach a spin class or create a new video/post for the blog, teach spin class or do C*Fit work, or try to find some time to connect with my friends and family. Then depending on the day, I rush back from spinning or a meeting or an appointment or whatever, and head back to my apartment to work on some C*Fit stuff some more, and then try to fall asleep. This is typical Monday-Friday, but somehow my weekends are filled up as well! Sounds exhausting right? The thing is, I’m not even tired at the end of the day.

You may be asking yourself, “Why the heck is she doing so much? Why don’t you just give something up?”. Great question. I do all of this because I honestly have a LOVE and PASSION for all of it. Every single thing I do or create adds something positive and meaningful to my life. As much as I LOVE everything I’m doing, too much of a good thing isn’t a good thing. That realization came to my this week.

This week I had a mini anxiety attack. At work. In front of my new boss. Good, right? My second week on the job and I’m crying in front of my boss about feeling overwhelmed. I’ve always been a happy and mentally stable person. This occurrence made me think otherwise though. I will spare you the details, but just take my word for it when I say I have been going through a lot of changes over the past 2 months. Change is tough. Change is uncomfortable, and sometimes, we feel alone when going through these changes. Because, after all, we are the only ones truly experiencing our changes.

I ended up leaving work early only to find myself heading to Trader Joes. (Apparently the grocery store is one of my happy places–its the Dietitian in me I suppose) Okay, Trader Joes is just a side note…just for you to visualize this 25 year old girl driving her car while crying and miraculously pulling into a grocery store parking lot. Regardless, the tears ceased the moment I pulled in. I must have been some site to see!

ANYWAYS, that day and into the night, I ended up feeling like I hit what some call, “rock bottom”. My thoughts were negative,  my mind was going in a million places and directions, I was freaking out about my past and my future, asking myself “Will I ever achieve my dreams of creating C*Fit as a movement, a message to the world, and as my life’s work” and “Will life always feel this tough?”, and nothing was making me actually feel better (except for that 10 minute trip to Trader Joes, that is). I was having feelings of quitting my job and moving home to NH, I was second guessing every decision I’ve made the past couple of months, and I was starting to really doubt who I was and what I was meant to do with my life. Yikes! Sounds messy right? Well it was. The great thing about each day is that each day ends. I finally fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up, still in a funk, but in less of a funk as the day prior. I went to work and went about my daily routine. I was just going through the motions. Then lunch time arrived and I went outside to eat. I don’t know if it was the fresh air or the delicious hummus I was ingesting, but something spoke to me and said “Just for today you are going to be at peace.” Then that silly cloud that had been placed over my head vanished. Pretty sure the universe was telling me that the storm was over. Something also told me to go schedule a massage for Friday, sign up for a yoga class on Saturday, and to buy this book called “Spirit Junkie”. I listened and followed through. Today, as I write this blog post, I consider myself to be on the “other side”…the light at the end of the tunnel.

Since Thursday, I’ve had all of these realizations and lessons flooding into my brain.

1. Rock bottom had to happen for me. I feel like I truly needed to experience those feelings, emotions, and all that came with. Why? Because I needed a slap in the face. I needed to realize I am not superwoman. I am HUMAN.

2. “Stop the Glorification of Busy”. Living in NYC, I find myself LOVING being busy. I’ve always been a busy body (even as a kid) but it has gotten to an extreme. I was starting to have to schedule time with my friends weeks in advance. Had to schedule time to call my family. What kind of life is that? I started to really start to dislike the word “busy”. I decided I am going to try not to use that word and to try to not have being busy, be a goal of mine anymore.

3. Too much of a good thing is still not a good thing. It’s about balance my friends. I preach about balance like it’s my job, yet, because of everything I have put on my plate in order to help others, I, in return, have an unbalanced life. Thus, the quote “Be the Change you Wish to See in the World”. I truly believe that you cannot help others unless you have helped yourself. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Being selfish has such a negative connotation doesn’t it? What happened to doing things for yourself? We should never feel guilty about taking care of ourselves.

4. Screw what society says. “Do more. Be more. Want more. Get more.” <–You know what I say to that idea now? I reply with, “You are enough. You do enough.” It’s become one of my new mantras. We need to honestly believe that what we are doing in this world is ENOUGH.

5. “This too shall pass”. Another new mantra of mine that I say daily. Emotions come and go…moments come and go…and that nothing in this life is permanent. This has been a huge lesson for me because I react fast. I usually don’t take the time to absorb it all before responding and reacting to a situation/emotion. It is a comforting feeling knowing that it will pass…and I accept the emotions and feelings as they are, allow them to go through my mind, knowing that they will pass at some point.

6. Know when to say “Yes”, and know when to say “No”. Allow yourself to think about a decision before making it. AND know that no matter what your response is (Yes or No or whatever) that is was the right decision for you. What good is it if you say yes to everyone and then it leaves you with no time for yourself? Take my example…learn from my mistake, know when to simply say no.

7. Come from a place of LOVE instead from a place of FEAR. This is a lesson that I learned from “Spirit Junkie”. Interestingly enough, I actually follow this in my day to day life even prior to reading the book. However, what I realized, is that some of my decisions come from a place of fear rather than a place of love. Also, my anxiety attack absolutely came from a place of fear. Any negative thoughts you probably have also come from a place a fear. If you look deep into your feelings, emotions, thoughts and decisions, you’ll start to notice which are coming from a place of love, and which are coming from a place of fear. A great quote in the book says, “If it doesn’t come from love, it isn’t real.” I’ve decided that another new mantra of mine is, “If it doesn’t come from a place of love, I will not think it, say it, do it, or believe it”.

8. I’ve always had a spiritual mind- just not in a religious way. BUT this book, “Spirit Junkie” has opened up my inner spirituality that I’ve been trying to put my finger on for so long. It’s allowed me to realize what spirituality means to me. For me, it’s about fate and the universe. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. I believe that if I put good energy out into the world, that all of the answers will come to me. That I am placed on this Earth for a reason, and it is to speak my truth and to help people by speaking my truth.

9. We have all of the happiness we will ever have all within ourselves. True happiness cannot come from the outside world. It doesn’t come from stuff, people, or the amount of money you make. True happiness comes from deep within. We were all born happy. As we went along in the world though, things happened and our fear set in and put up a wall between us and our genuine happiness. What must happen is for us to strip away at the walls blocking our happiness. Only you can do that. No one else can. No amount of money can. And no other human being can. It’s already there. You just have to find it.

10.  I’ve found my truth. Those of you who have read this blog know that my truth involves believing in yourself and using exercise as a channel for positivity. My truth is much more than that though. It involves seeing the beauty in the world, letting go, reconnecting with our happiness and spirituality, breathing, motivating others, and to create a better world of people who come from a place of LOVE rather than a place of FEAR.

That is my truth.

-Caitlin *




One thought on “Choose Love instead of Fear

  1. Cait- Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your truth with us. You ARE love embodied and to have experienced what you experienced and come out the other side with all these powerful realizations about yourself and life in general speaks volumes about who you are and the rightness of the path you are on. I too have walked through dark times and although my coming out the other side was more gradual than yours and negativity creeps up again from time- I have embraced most of the same principles and mantras. “This too shall pass” helps me so much and I loved your analogy of the dark cloud overhead- it truly is a like a passing thunderstorm. Love not fear, letting go, self-care, honesty and the ability to say no with love…. YES! We love you and the world needs you (including me) so please take care of yourself so you can continue to give… I have a poem I am going to scan and send you 🙂 It begins with… “Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence..” Xo love you girl.

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